Here is the toothsome sequel of sorts to Witch Way to the Mall and Strip Mauled, two of the funniest anthologies in recent years. The first focused on spell-casters in modern settings, specifically suburbia; the second shone the spotlight on werewolves in the midst; now we get the low down on life in the ‘burbs for the undead.
Each author was allowed/encouraged to reset the parameters of vampiric reality afresh, so do not look or hope for consistency in details. Some are born vamps, some are made vamps, and some have vampness thrust upon them, to paraphrase Twelfth Night. Some authors take the laws of physics seriously; others are more concerned with social dynamics. Narrative styles and themes change, but one thing is constant: it’s all about laughing your way to a happy ending. Puns and allusions abound, and several authors continue with characters introduced in the previous anthologies. 20 stories here, well worth your dollars. Here are some highlights:
“Overbite” by Jody Lynn Nye concerns the unlikely friendship between Delilah, a teen vampire with new braces and Jim, the human son of a dentist who caters to the special needs of the nightfolk. “If Music Be the Food of Love …” by Dave Freer describes how difficult it can be to be the undead father of a permanent teenager. Let me tell you, it’s tough, even if your best friend is a mad scientist named Hellsing with a troubling teen of his own. Julia S. Mandala’s “Soccer Mom Smackdown” is about one of the unwillingly turned – as a vampire, Louise cannot properly engage in the suburban lifestyle, but when her young son is being bullied, well, she has to do something! Unfortunately, the bully’s mom models her life after Buffy the Vampire-Slayer. The funniest part of this story is the bit about popular names for suburban kids. Similarly, K.D. Wentworth parodies mall shop names in “Miss White Hands’s Class Goes Shopping” in which well-bred teen vamps elude their private school instructor and variously enthrall or terrorize the denizens of day at a Midnight Madness Sale and start a free-for-all frenzy at Goth Topics.
In “Sarah Bailey and the Texas Beauty Queen” Lee Martindale confirms our suspicions that successful real estate agents really are heartless, soul-sucking predators running on a blend of malice and greed who delight in toying with their victims. Timely, this one. David D. Levine contributes the very well-written “Family Matters,” in which young Julian tries to protect a refugee vampire from his own coven when a bunch of jocks come down with anemia. His difficulties are compounded by first love, cultural mores, and an irate, neglected best friend.
In “Sappy Meals” Hildy Silverman scripts the darkly humorous monologue of Lord Dravyn defending the actions of his progeny before a judge of the Superior Court of Piscataway, New Jersey. Daniel M. Hoyt gratifies us with a Halloween romantic-comedy called “Stick or Treat” in which the friendship between mortal Jenny and vampire Jan crosses the barrier of subdivisions and opens the door to new experiences for a recently divorced suburban mom. Then there’s the adult-themed pulp fiction “Trampire,” by Robin Wayne Bailey, which opens with “She had legs like the horns of a Texas steer…” and goes merrily and profanely on from there.
Sarah Settel goes right for the jugular of the “vampirism as a metaphor for sex” motif with “Vampless,” in which Valley girls just want to date vampires, ordinary boys are out of luck, and a vampstinence counter-movement is underway. Linda Donahue stakes a claim to the obvious solution to suburban crime with “The Goth Girl Next Door.”
Friesner’s own offering is “Long in the Tooth,” about Billy, who likes older women, and an older woman who know how to hold her own, even when competition presents itself in the form of a well-enhanced gold-digger. After the regional tonalities from LA to Yonkers, Laura J. Underwood writes in a more aristocratic vein, with the true imbiber’s elegance and scorn for all that is déclassé in “Bella and the Flying Lugosi.”
Finally, Steven Pizics presents “Bait and Switch” featuring Wanda Silver, a sassy, savvy Erin Brockovich-ish heroine with huge medical bills to pay. Usually she gets hired by desperate daddies who want their delusional daughters disillusioned and weaned away from an addiction to vampire love storylines. Wanda listens sympathetically to each star-crossed maiden’s raptures, then shows her the true age of her vampire paramour in a magic mirror. Since they typically look like the portrait of Dorian Gray, next day she collects from a well-pleased papa. But now the one vampire she hates most in all the world wants to hire her – to save him from a determined female. I especially love how Pizics’ title works on five levels: first with his own students, then four times within the plot. Good stories here, heartily recommended. ~~ Chris Paige
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